Self-love, your oxygen mask, & raising your standards
Self-Love Isn't Selfish!
Here’s a promise: You NEVER have to convince the right person to be interested in you, to be consistent, affectionate, to care, or to love you. Ever.
Now let's get one thing straight: self-love is not about bubble baths and telling yourself you're pretty in the mirror (though, if that's your thing, please continue).
Real self-love is knowing your worth so deeply that you stop accepting scraps from people who can't afford to pay in full.
It's the moment you realize you are the main character, not the supporting actress in someone else's lukewarm love story.
The Oxygen Mask Rule (Now With More Dignity)
You know the airplane safety briefing: "Put your own oxygen mask on first before assisting others." The same rule applies to dating. If you're gasping for air, emotionally speaking, you're not going to be much use to anyone ~ and you're definitely not going to be choosing from a place rooted in your own power.
Relationship experts talk a lot about this: when you start filling your own cup, your standards naturally rise. Not because you're being "difficult," but because you're finally well enough to notice when something doesn't taste good.
From "I Hope They Like Me" to "Do I Like Them?"
…And: “What are they adding to my life?”
“Are their character, integrity & values in alignment with mine?”
“What red and green flags am I seeing?”
“Do their actions match their words?”
We’re human. We all want to be chosen. Let’s see if we can shift this to wanting to be chosen by the RIGHT person that actually contributes to our life, happiness and fulfillment.
Here's the shift:
Before self-love: You're constantly auditing yourself. Am I too much? Too loud? Too quiet? Did I text back too fast? Should I play it cool? You're basically a job applicant in your own relationship, hoping you get picked.
After self-love: You're the interviewer. You're curious. You're assessing fit. You're thinking, Hmm, interesting. Do I actually enjoy how this person treats me? Or am I just addicted to the chaos, or the attention?
It’s all about becoming clear on the inside, and willing to pause and set boundaries. When you know your value, you stop negotiating it. You stop trying to convince someone to see what you already know is true.
The Satisfaction of healthy boundaries
There is a very specific, very delicious satisfaction that comes from enforcing a boundary. It tastes like quiet power.
It's saying "no" without guilt. Without second-guessing yourself. Without beating yourself up, or ruminating. It’s quiet, and solid. It's walking away from a situationship that drains you. It's choosing the person who shows up consistently over the one who shows up dramatically, when it serves them, or leaves you crumbs.
By doing the inner work to truly fall in love with your self, your standards inevitably rise. The old patterns you used to allow, the emotional unavailability, lack of empathy, narcissistic behaviors, people who treat you like an option - these all become repulsive.
It’s not arrogance, it’s dignity. It's the natural result of deciding that you are worth the effort and loving consideration you so freely give to others.
Begin by putting an end to self-abandonment
You don't have to declare yourself a self-love guru overnight. Start small:
Notice when you're about to override your own needs to make someone else comfortable.
Ask yourself: What would I do right now if I truly believed I mattered?
Then do that thing.
It feels awkward at first. Then it feels empowering. Then it feels like freedom. And quiet power.
The right person isn't going to teach you your worth. They're going to join you there. With flowers. And possibly chocolates. Or some sweet, sentimental skywriting.